[19] Control

I sat in my coffee shop. Sketchbook. Pilot Pen. Small white coffee. And a window.

Into the sketchbook piles random thoughts.
A timeline. Present to future.
If you could see your future reflected, would you mirror it in the present?

No.
You know what happens. No need to walk that path. Why the want to know?
Knowing = Reassurance.
However. We want the unknown.

Yes.
You know what happens. You like what happens.
However. Placing a foot wrong may destroy your future.
Knowing = Fear.

Control.
That's what this all is. The want to control. If you were the only factor, you would have full control. However you are not the only factor.
Control = Selfish.

I control myself. Lifestyle. Job. Where. When. How. What I allow people to see of me. Is this a selfish control? Why do I feel the need to control myself?

Fear.
When. When did this isolation and control commence?
A string of close relationships terminated. Initiated at 3 years old. Goodbye daddy. Last heavy relationship at 20 years old - he left me.
[So many valued strong relationships - people who mattered - gone]

Fear of sleepovers at friends houses. Fear that my mother would vanish if I left her side for a prolonged period.
This is my pattern. This is why I am why.
Fear of abandonment.

Where am I now?
Still in fear?

I cannot maintain a relationship if I am wanted.
I can only involve myself in relationships with those who don't want a long term affair. I know they will leave.
No surprise + no unexpected hurt = Knowing.

I will leave you if you want me. I will leave the moment you commit. Because I cannot take further heartache. I cannot allow myself to let you in.
I will reject before you are lost.

Empty coffee cup. Closed sketchbook. Embrace the world.