[5] Procrastination

True to form, I'm avoiding the task at hand; which in this case is the tremendous amount of cramming needed for a 9am exam tomorrow morning.

As I'm approaching the end of my university time, I'm having to really focus on the next step as far as my career stands. It's imminent that teaching is on the cards, more a matter of where and how.
As much as I love Yorkshire, I need to move away and ground myself elsewhere - I say 'need', it is a necessity. Leeds has become somewhat claustrophobic so I intend to travel south, like a bird for winter, unsure where as of yet that will depend entirely on courses available.

This time next year a PGCE will await me along with a new city, new flat, new surroundings - I cannot wait! Feels like a weight has been lifted just thinking about it.

Lecturers and friends have voiced the opinion that it's a waste of talent to disregard a career in the design sector of the world, I couldn't disagree more. I can continue freelancing in my spare time and what's more, teaching is a fantastic career. I do have a vast passion for design, keeping it to myself is a waste, sharing it would be completely worthwhile.
No. I know it. I've worked the hours of a competitive design firm and it's not the life for me, for sure.

I hope this next year moves swiftly. I really do.

[4] Role Reversal

Wonderful. He's wonderful. Yet true to form it's far from simple.

I find myself staring irony right in the face. Hysterically, ironic. I actually find myself sat here laughing at the whole scenario.

The crux; only just split up with his long term girlfriend. I am completely enchanted by his presence and find it ridiculously difficult to restrain sending a quick text, or throwing a flirtatious advance his way when in his company.

It's interesting how these things creep up so quickly. After agonising for months over matters of the heart, I let go and BANG.

Having just read the above back to myself, I have an almost disappointing knot in my stomach. Every few months I meet a guy. Inevitably it never lasts as I find some imperfection in the relationship. This could be one of those tiring moments.
This is what the pessimistic me would voice.
The optimistic me is saying roll with it and loosen a brick or two in that horrifically thick wall you've built yourself.

To reiterate [3]; I don't NEED a relationship, I'd just LIKE one.

Time will tell.

[3] Content

Content. If you were to ask me my state of well-being, that would be my response.

I've had it completely twisted all these years. I depended solely on the idea that my happiness existed in the hands of another. In actual fact, my happiness depended on finding peace within myself and accepting who I am.
Turns out I'm not that bad!

I still like to believe that when I'm in the right relationship that individual will further strengthen my character and general way of living. It's not so much a case of filling a void anymore, more accumulating something promising. 'Something'.

It's all rather exciting. The knowing of not knowing.