[13] ...

Cold knuckles clenched release dust over dew,
extinguishing the crotchet of watery rotation.
Relive the rise and fall of shifting identity no more.
Now one less drop descends.
one less leaf feeds,
and one less murky puddle forms.
Open palms walk freely, clear of broken stone.

[12] Seeds

Hello darkness my old friend. I've come to talk to you again...

Just because something is dark, does not necessarily denote a sense of pessimistic turmoil. Echoing silence can be bliss. Contemplation. Room to breathe.

Summer, oh lovely summer. It's been fantastic and it's still rolling. Shortly to depart for a spot of grape picking in the South of France.

Nearing the end of undergraduate education, thoughts are somewhat encompassing the next move. Planning has become somewhat alien to me so nothing is concrete, however emigrating is a high possibility - Where...? who knows. Love the simplicity of France, the culture of Prague, would certainly like to experience living in Cuba. I guess it's irrelevant where I land. The crux of it all is claiming my own pad. I'm craving the independence of arriving in a completely new city, finding my own place, new friends. Adequate distance from family.

Of course there's the income situation. Freelance? Start my own company? Teach? It's all very exciting. My ideal circumstance would be this:
- Move South - birds do it so why not me?!
- Teach in a primary school
- Illustrate children's books part-time
-... with the view to publishing my own illustrated book...
- Find a cosy little flat
- During the summer holiday's travel

I think I'll take this away with me and muse on it a little further...within the sound of silence...

[11] Puzzled

Perhaps of recent days my focus has been solely for the needs of those around me and I've forgotten, in a sense, to listen to my own voice and adjust accordingly.

Confusion. Confused in the fact that my ideals have shifted significantly. Confused that I don't feel anyone understands or can provide answers, hence the need to jot down thoughts haphazardly like this. Feedback is minimal, however in a way, writing projects it all straight back at myself and challenges the ways in which I deal with it. Surprising more often than not.

So confused. [End]

[10] Fate

I suppose everything happens for a reason. I don't believe in fate, however I do believe that there is a purposeful action behind every movement. To wake us up. Inspire greatness. Find strength in places unknown.

Yes. Consequences are there to provide new insight. Challenge current ways of life, of living.

Rambles. Lots of vented rambles.
My thought box isn't too grande at expressing the non-cryptic; It seeks the mysterious, perplexing channels.

[9] Preservation

Preserve.
Is that not what sentimentality endorses – preservation?

The many black and white framed stills of movie clips I hang in precariously selected white space of wall, all for sentimental reasoning; to be reminded of what was.
To celebrate the unique quality of that specific point in time.

Everything. Anything. All that exists in the past exists in memory and what a precious facility to have that is.
Backlogged family events, past love - so distant, comfortably numb.

"There is no pain you are receding, A distant ships smoke on the horizon"

Yes I did just reference Pink Flloyd.
It seemed fitting.

Obviously I am no Heroin addict, however with a pun in place liberation is what I am...
...I am the Heroine of my very own story.

[8] Two Parts

Currently living in London.
Initially, as I walked around clutching my London A-Z staring wide-eyed at surroundings, I found it a little daunting - It is after all only my fourth time in London.
Perhaps I didn't fully appreciate it back in January - it was cold - but this time, there's something quite satisfying about finishing a 9 hour day and crashing out in the park with dinner, a drink and a good book.

OK so walking back to an empty apartment isn't ideal. Thankfully I have old & new friends to amplify conversation and good times throughout the void.
Building new memories to replace the old, tarnished ones. That is the aim...
Maybe the focus should not be on substitution, merely addition. After all, I like the past, I like what was. What precedes is integral to the present and future after all!

I find it fascinating - I'd go as far as to say that I find it quite romantic; In love with the ghost of the past. Perchance it is my own ghost from the past treading eroded paths in search of familiarity and that overwhelming youthful mass of warmth - not so much the figure typing reflectively here in haste.
I find it sad, not a sadness for me, but for the little girl who lost her little boy. I feel her sadness, wandering aimlessly throughout passages of time in search of all he was.

I hope they find one another one day, I think they will... long after both myself and himself have left this world...

As for me, well looking forward to returning home and making the most of the summer to come. The summer of '09 is going to be immense!

[7] Extra! Extra!

Bizarrely enough, I wrote this on Monday and completely forgot to publish it.

Last week my thoughts revolved around the outcome of the EU election, a little outraged to say the least - more so with the media who focussed heavily on the channel which would inevitably shift more paper.
When are people going to realise that the BNP support has not suddenly increased? On the contrary, in some regions it actually decreased! - gees, the issue is lack of votes, lack of belief in the workers party - Labour.
It really is a sorry state when you put your way of living in the hands of either a fascist representative, a prime minister who is reinstating privatization/conservative ideals or the Tory twit; "You take the dog for a walk at night and the policeman comes up and says 'Veer are yur papeers?'" - Shocking!

Patterns of thought have somewhat shifted this week.
I have been spending frequent amounts of time with the most loveliest and gentlest guy I have ever come across. As I may have already mentioned, he hasn't long since parted ways with his previous girlfriend.

-- Was inclined to say 'ex' then but I do hate that. Sounds like an 'ex convict'!! --

Early optimistic days. I find it extremely difficult to plan beyond a mere few weeks hence the detraction from a full blown love-fest edition!
Have to be honest though, I'm so used to being single now that the concept of a double-act is a little daunting.

[6] Political Frenzy

Horrific political decline this week with the BNP securing two European seats.
Obviously a clear indication of the current state of our country's political and social affairs. Understandably the many workers made redundant, trade unionists etc opted to abandon their vote completely, a simple and highly effective message to New Labour that enough is enough; The repercussions however of this boycott are visibly dire.

No2EU - Yes to Democracy, the national electoral coalition bringing together trade unionists and a variety of left wing forces has been working terrfically hard to offer an alternate positive outlet for the public to voice their concerns. Unfortunately, media coverage was narrow to say the least.
BUT it doesn't end here, acknowledging and supporting this new political force now and in the future will effectively turn the country around.

The media has been transfixed on the figurehead of New Labour pushing resignation, will he won't he, but what it's failing to recognise is that the corruption behind the party doesn't solely lie on Gordon Brown, it's the policy itself and until the policy alters and in a sense connects with its own past, the majority of the natural supporters will be no where to be seen.

The sad reality is that the failure of social democracy to inspire, lead and protect has created cynicism and disillusion boosting racism and fascism. Although the 'Stop The BNP' campaigns were effective across the UK in particular London and the Midlands, we shouldn't even have to be campaigning against such an abhorrent and racist organisation, the political alternatives ought to be obvious and accessible.

[5] Procrastination

True to form, I'm avoiding the task at hand; which in this case is the tremendous amount of cramming needed for a 9am exam tomorrow morning.

As I'm approaching the end of my university time, I'm having to really focus on the next step as far as my career stands. It's imminent that teaching is on the cards, more a matter of where and how.
As much as I love Yorkshire, I need to move away and ground myself elsewhere - I say 'need', it is a necessity. Leeds has become somewhat claustrophobic so I intend to travel south, like a bird for winter, unsure where as of yet that will depend entirely on courses available.

This time next year a PGCE will await me along with a new city, new flat, new surroundings - I cannot wait! Feels like a weight has been lifted just thinking about it.

Lecturers and friends have voiced the opinion that it's a waste of talent to disregard a career in the design sector of the world, I couldn't disagree more. I can continue freelancing in my spare time and what's more, teaching is a fantastic career. I do have a vast passion for design, keeping it to myself is a waste, sharing it would be completely worthwhile.
No. I know it. I've worked the hours of a competitive design firm and it's not the life for me, for sure.

I hope this next year moves swiftly. I really do.

[4] Role Reversal

Wonderful. He's wonderful. Yet true to form it's far from simple.

I find myself staring irony right in the face. Hysterically, ironic. I actually find myself sat here laughing at the whole scenario.

The crux; only just split up with his long term girlfriend. I am completely enchanted by his presence and find it ridiculously difficult to restrain sending a quick text, or throwing a flirtatious advance his way when in his company.

It's interesting how these things creep up so quickly. After agonising for months over matters of the heart, I let go and BANG.

Having just read the above back to myself, I have an almost disappointing knot in my stomach. Every few months I meet a guy. Inevitably it never lasts as I find some imperfection in the relationship. This could be one of those tiring moments.
This is what the pessimistic me would voice.
The optimistic me is saying roll with it and loosen a brick or two in that horrifically thick wall you've built yourself.

To reiterate [3]; I don't NEED a relationship, I'd just LIKE one.

Time will tell.

[3] Content

Content. If you were to ask me my state of well-being, that would be my response.

I've had it completely twisted all these years. I depended solely on the idea that my happiness existed in the hands of another. In actual fact, my happiness depended on finding peace within myself and accepting who I am.
Turns out I'm not that bad!

I still like to believe that when I'm in the right relationship that individual will further strengthen my character and general way of living. It's not so much a case of filling a void anymore, more accumulating something promising. 'Something'.

It's all rather exciting. The knowing of not knowing.

[2] Select

In retrospect, writing in a journal, blog, space (whatever you wish to refer to it as) is a positive device. Releases repressed thoughts, allows growth. I somehow feel the need to defend my space...my shallow side leads me to believe that most view it as a childish, teen tool - hence defense.

There's a lot on my mind at the moment. It's difficult to select a starting point.

Guys. Friends. Family. Career. University. Health. Politics. Religion. Past. Future. Present. Hobbies.

Briefly in that order;
Questions. Motives. Claustrophobia. Decisions. Annoyance. Well-being. Contribute. Learn. Forget. Daunting. Circles. Relocate.

[1] Birthday

Momentous reflection.
Why else would I reinvent this space...?

Birthday. Today. Many thanks, your best wishes are gratefully received. I made it to 23. Drinks all round!

I was worrying about the future. I've lay in bed lately staring at the origami bird which hangs from the hook above my bed and thought of nothing but endings and points that once reached cease to exist. But tonight, I lay here staring at the origami bird which soars above my bed and thought of nothing but beginnings.

Feels good to write. Sentimentally inviting to prolong the visit.